illustrious_one

(background: what happens in your daydreams when your dream girl collides with you dream world {if you've never heard about my dream world, ask me and ye shall}. It's poetic torture, the epitome of a beautiful disaster.)

She is so beautiful it almost pains,
My eyes to stare at radience so near.
A smile so bright it ever seems to sear,
My soul until my heart is pierced and slain.
The heavens full of joy do downward rain,
When downward at m'lady they to peer.
The earth itself does shudder with the fear,
That it mayn't e'er support her dainty frame.
This cotton candy world is streaked with black,
The peppermints have all gone spoiled and sour,
Sweet dreams of mine my mind has sired,
Do now a certain lively flavor lack.
Outside the central core the world seems dour,
Now that my lass in dreams has love inspired.

~John

“My soul hurts.”

This phrase has passed my lips more times in the past week than it has all summer. I’m in a bit of a rut. I miss all my Dyersburg friends, if you’re reading this, guys, I love you.

School has also begun its relentless drudgery of stealing my soul one line a day. Starting tomorrow I am going to have to kickstart my drive to get all my extracurricular shit done. It’s good stuff but I’m not driven right now. I’m sure it’s connected to my other hurt-soul situations.

My friend Andy turned 20 today and I only have a week … make that 6 days left. He made an exceptionally profound comment (those of you that know him don’t laugh, he can be, he is, he’s a damn good person, fuck you, get off his back). He said, “This is like the end of an era;” and it’s true. No more stupid stunts, more responsibilities. We’ve started to trade our good-natured, innocent stupidity for the world-sanctioned, mindless variety. Wooo-fucking-hoo.

I guess this shit is just depressing me. Then there’s the coup de grace. I’m still lonely. I’m still at CBU where so many girls are just idiotic. I want someone to hold at night, damnit! Is that bad? Is that wrong?! (inside joke yo)

And no coup de grace 2.0. I really think I need more God in my life. I can feel that particular absence like a gaping hole. I really feel that if I get my elements right with him everything else will fall into place. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt like that before. However, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this far from him before.

I saw a friend heading to church this past Sunday. I had just started drinking a beer. I have no Baptist type stigmas against drinking but the picturesque irony of the situation struck me like a lead weight. The friends around me just laughed off the ironic situation. Not so much me … Damn.

Well I’m exhausted. I’m gonna go sleep now.

Live illustriously,
~John

So it's right now 2:35 in the morning, and my mind, as it's wont to do, is running like it's in a marathon.

I really want to make sure I get everything on this one so i have a little *.txt file open with a few topic reminders.  Funny, amirite?

So a friend of a friend of mine died just about a year ago.  I didn't know the man but he was well loved among his friends.  How do i know this you might wonder?  Because I was there the night my friends of his found out.  They fucking marathon drove to Jackson, MS not once but TWICE in the same week.  My friend lass wrote an account of that week which i just got done reading.  Not just an oh this happened then that happened account.  The kind of detail you find in really good fiction.  This unfortunately was not.

I was struck by the account more than most would i believe, because most people would decry, "my how sad, how deplorable" and move on.  I can be too proud of myself because I almost did the same thing myself.  But then the sheer gravity of the loss of a life, it hit me like a lead weight in the center of my chest.  that weight anchored to my soul.

There Is one less soul in the world.

That was what hit me.  A person unable to reach his full potential.  not even allow to reach a fool potential because that's how life works sometimes.  And that's the point.  It's life and life is choice. And he didn't have it.

Something poignant hit me after a few minutes.  If i feel melancholic because of this, and my friends feel so ...bereaved, heartbroken, listless, depressed, unfeeling ... then how must God feel.  Hop aboard my train of thought and watch were my logic rails take me.

First I thought: how can an omnipotent being be so callous as to take a life like that without any provocation.  If this is part of a grand plan, i'm not sure I want to be included

Then: We're taught that God is a being of infinite love, how is he so reserved from all of this.

Then I knew ... I knew why ... : He has to be.  If he is a being of infinite love as I believe then he is crying every minute of every day someone's life that was cut short, regardless of which realm of infinity in which they will reside.  I'm not talking about an old person who has lived they're full life.  I'm talking about the dead children and teenagers the world over that die for little or no reason.  And I feel so sad.

Next Stop: So how can any being omnipotent or not stand that much sorrow?  The grand design.  You know the one.  Televangelists have been making money off of it for years.  The grand design we want to know, but it is so far out side our ken.  The one that's even outside the life and death of Jesus Christ.  The one that extends past eternity and beyond heaven and hell.  The beautiful design i know must be there, for with out it i would surely despair and collapse in tears.  That is God's only respite in the face of the horrors we his children create on this world.  And that's just this world, there could be others.

So in the end when our divine spark is once again made whole with God.  After the existence of heaven and hell wane into oblivion and there is only paradise.  That is when i'll at least know it was all worth it, because the only hope that keeps me going is that our Maker knows it now

I had more to write but it seems worthless now compared to what i've finished.

Have a radiant day, everyone.

Something a little old school for those in the know....

In brightest day, in blackest night,
No evil shall escape my sight;
Let those that worship evil's might,
Beware my power, Green Lantern's Light

I just got the Final Fantasy Victory Ringtone.  Woot=johnnymac

word to your mother.

this post is only so short because there's only one thing great enough to tell you.

and i already have.

I've been called Illustrious on occasion
Won't you join me in my world of cotton candy clouds and peppermint dreams?
we could have a great deal of fun together

On the Beach of Calming Waters we can play
There Ocean of Sunlight lies
The River of Joys flows into it
on either side of the river strong and silent trees grow
Trees with Leaves of Laughter and Trunks of Contentment.
Will you join me?

Join me in my world of cotton candy clouds and peppermint dreams
Where the sun is a lemon drop
Every blade of grass is filled with the scent of mint
The animals are befurred with the strands of precious metals
Shining bright in the light
Their eyes are made of precious jewels that glint with glee in the barest light.
Will you join me?

Will you join me in my illustrious little world?
My illustrious little world in the back of my brain?

H'okay.

So I thought I'd try a real update for once.

I have an interview for a job at walmart tomorrow.  That'll be interesting.  So hopefully(?) i'll start working there.  meh, it's a paycheck.

i've been mostly bored this summer.  ::gear swich to uber-nerd mode::

I finally have enough fame to go get my race specific equipment (rse) and should hopefully be able to start after that come thursday (i.e. tomorrow)

I mowed my yard today.  Fun like teh heart attack.

Oh, btw.  Gym Class Heros rock hard. period backslash for the win.

so now here I be.  Chillin outright.

I got a new phone today.  Nothing flashy but unlike my previous phone this one works so yay.  I'll be getting the SLVR come September when I upgrade and momma will get this one. She needs a new phone but not as much as I did so yeah.

I've been trying to find the Advent Children victory ringtone Kadaj has to no avail.  It's making me a bit frustrated but mostly sad.  very very sad.

I'm ready to be back in memphis.  I'm actually excited about taking my summer class.  Go fig.  ::Shift to geek mode::

I have a completely new organization system.  I do well with compartmentalization so i'm breaking everything down into small groups. separate folders for graded things notes assignments.  It should be sweet.

Speaking of next semester I'm so happy that i'm going  to no longer have Dr. Becker.  The man is an excellent teacher but i'm tired of C's in my math classes.

Gee i'm bored.  Leave comments please and placate meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I'm so lost in an unseeing world.
Can you help me rewrite my soul one line at a time?
It has rotted from the center from the stupidity of peoples with no sense of correctness or value.
Can you hear it?
My middle finger screaming at the world around me?
Let me turn it up for you.
FUCK THIS.
It rhymes with duck piss you see and aptly describes my emotion

I seem to be raging at nothing in particular
or particularly peculiar for that matter
or if you're down to splitting hairs peculiarly particular
but that might be splitting hares - or rabbits, whichever you prefer
hopping away hoping for a future sprinting down the bunny trail in an effort in futility
fatality in a flawless victory is mine at the price of my soul painstakingly written a line at a shot
the gunshot ringing in my brain, insane as i dare delving further in to the farthest reaches of my insanity
so far i think i've reached someone elses troubled dreams and nightmares for I am no longer afraid and running
but pondering the why, and writting so much.
Is this my soul i seek to right, writting one line after another
or mere folly.  Maybe not a folly or a foolish fooly cooly of a situation

So you can hear it now but can you see what it means with that third eye blinded by your apathy
You are blind because your soul cannot see so you feel into the darkness in your mind
what did you find? Nirvana perhaps or just another purgatory like the one in which we live
a chance to give what you sought from others at another time?

what is the point of the ramblings of a pious man, is it worth the bias to one religion for the chance of being right
or left when the chance for wrong is great
but wait, wouldn't there be an understanding of the heart apart from untried beliefs
who can say or know but a creator of humanity with a sense of humor to say
"If you don't like it you can die and go to hell"
haha you think a joke, while the back of your mind whispers truth

for sooth and verily to say to day is the day of a revolution
a bloodless coup where my soul is assassinated
by the principality of my id and my carnal desires are enforced
by the endorphines flooding my brain with euphoria
Then back to the fray in the mines of moria where we first met in a magical journey
our minds could meet with something to share

beware the ides of march near the time my heart was crushed
and flushed in the flood of mythic proportions
Not the full wrath but its lowly remanents
and i was cleansed in the rage that destroyed me and borne me anew
a new destination is sought atop the mountain and down the opposite slope
to the valley of nocturnes.  A penumbric etude plays with sonorous strains in my heart
can these will o' the wisps lead me astray? or to the truth
to my doom? or the one truth that lies in death one may not tell
quell the fires only to find that the fire that destroys is snuffed
only to leave the darkness that envelops the mind in turmoil

here is the soil tilled by a machine gun with a ratta-tat-tat
And only desolation and destard grows here
alive within me the rage of a thousand suns razor focused to the point
of collapse and all that remains is a neutron star of apathy
an atrophy within, can you feel it?

that sickly light that isn't a light but an absence of darkness
a nothing within us all that grows with atrophy
and can't you sense the suspense created with the destruction of myself
here's to your health but not mine for the self-destruct sequence is T +20
and were over due for a 9.8 according to Mr. Ritcher

So again can you tell me?
Do you see, do you hear, do you feel?
can you help me rewrite my soul from its tattered remains?
pencil in a few sweet refrains from an old love song,
a cresendo from the denouement of classical strains
A hogpodge of inequities and infelicities combined to make
a beautiful thing - or at least something that shines?

can you help me rewrite what i lost and right the wrong in the left of my chest
the test ... can i even remember how to spell?

Suffice it to say, I feel as though i have validated engineers everywhere.  Except the fact that many engineers i know are social inepts so maybe not.  But I feel validated so w007!  Btw, that 0% actually I did better than everyone before me.  Go me.

So i'm home. /joy .... -_-!

Actually its not so bad. Not having to think is an absolute luxury that i'm going to have for about ... a month and a half -_-*****************************

Still i plan to work for that time and then i'll probably transfer to memphis and work till school starts while i'm taking my summer course. Man, this just keeps getting more and more depressing.

I plan to spend my free time playing FFXI and working out. I hope the latter actually takes form. I'd like to be sexy for the first time in my life. Now no worries, this isn't me being all poor pitiful me again. I've always been handsome, gorgeous if you will, but i've never had the physique to be considered sexy. I plan to change that. With a permanance.

I'm kinda scared. I usually never follow through on things i plan like this. But if I do, well, that'd just be kick ass wouldn't it?

Wish me luck friends, and have a great summer.